This school year

Today is the last Friday of the school year. There is only a day and half left of school. We are in wind-down mode, doing fun activities so the kids end their school year on a happy, stress-free note now that grades are in, report cards printed, and everyone is anxious for the free time they have earned.

In reflecting on this school year I think I have learned two things. Yesterday at lunch my friend Susan said, " In order for the kids (especially Kindergartners) to learn anything from you they have to love you, and for them to love you, you have to love them first." This is very true.  The best teachers love their jobs, and they love their jobs because they love their students. It isn't because teaching phonics is just THAT interesting, but watching students learn, sense their own accomplisment and ability is that rewarding.

I have to admit that there were days where I didn't feel like I loved my job or my students as much as I should. I feel like if I did I would have done things differently and probably more effectively.

It makes me think of two teachers who are at the opposite ends of the spectrum in this regard. Strangely enough, their rooms are right next to each other.  I find myself in the middle of their spectrum. One has been doing this a long time, has the same worksheets she uses to occupy her students while she beats through guided reading groups, the other also has the same centers she has been using to occupy students in exploratory learning so she can move around the room and work with her students individually.  The second teacher has had nearly miraculous results with her young students achieving a grade level above expectations. The first teacher is, well, frustrated, or maybe burnt out. 

This is the key of quality teaching. You have to love what you do.  The students are not pieces of plastic to be molded in a factory. They give and bend to your attitude. If you love school and you love them, they feel the same way.  It's a beautiful symbiosis that is proven to work when implemented, but impossible to measure other than in teacher attitude. No mini-lesson or workshop approach or scripted curriculum can even being to make-up for this element in great teaching.

Next year I am going to work on my attitude. I want to come to work feeling good, not worn-out. I need to take care of myself and my son first, so when I'm here I can make the most of my time and interactions with my students. This year has been a flurry of activity resulting in a blizzard of stress. Next year I hope for sunnier skies, or at least better boots.

Wholeness

In education we often use the word "whole" to describe something comprehensive and multi-faceted, i.e.: educating the whole child, or the whole-language approach to teaching reading.  In my undergrad courses and several staff developments, educating the whole child often speaks to not only their academic growth, but also developing social and emotional skills. It also means teaching to multiple types of intelligences (Gardner) so that students of varying strengths have the opportunity to succeed and learn alongside their peers.  Sometimes it is difficult as a teacher to measure this.  We often go on our intuition (which I think is largely undervalued at times) to address social or emotional issues with students.  It seems as though we have an assessment for every skill we require our students to know, but never an assessment to either tell us how a child is feeling and why or an assessment on how our students learn the best. When something is awry we feel it but can't always pinpoint it, and when students succeed we celebrate with them.

In a conversation with the first grade bilingual teacher we shared what we knew about some students I had last year.  There were a few that were very bright academically but not achieving their potential because of other social and emotional issues. As teachers we feel powerless to change the circumstances that our students live in for the other 17 hours they aren't in school.  In educating it is necessary to keep in mind all of the facets of our students, and that we can't always attribute successes or failure to a teacher's methods.  This could easily go in to a political rant on merit-pay, but I just don't think I will go there tonight.

In my attempts to teach the "whole child" I often find myself overwhelmed.  Do I assess the child's writing, or talk to him or her about how confident they feel and who writes in their house?  There are simply too many facets of educating a child to approach them wholly at the same time.  It becomes overwhelming and a nightmare of prioritizing.  But yet, when we are required to assess 5 year-olds it sometimes feels like we aren't educating the child but pumping them for answers. This is the inner-conflict I feel in my field as a modern educator.

Personally I think I have been seeking wholeness in my life at many times.  I have gotten to the point now where I realize what factors make me feel "whole" or like a better person, but just like in teaching there are too many things to be addressed at once.  People say "simplify," but I often already feel like I am running a skeleton-crew of priorities: my son, my family and loved-ones, my job, education, and my health. Some people might even say that my list is devoid of certain things like recreation and spiritual growth.  I might be inclined to agree with them.

When we look from the outside in we tend to envy others, thinking they have it made.  Yet from that person's perspective, it isn't enough and they may always seek more.  Being unsatisfied is human nature.  Being unsatisfied inspires innovation, brings immigrants to our country and is the underlying force for progress.  However, being unsatisfied or under-appreciative can ruin something that is already good.  I have witnessed examples of this personally: marriages destroyed by a partner who manically searches for something else while refusing to witness the wonderful things right under their own roof in their own partner.  I have witnessed this in education multiple times: curriculum being changed over and over without ever having the opportunity to be fully implemented, and even the entire educational system being disparaged because test scores aren't as high compared to other countries.  The unsatisfied spouse lays blame with their partner, the public lays blame with teachers.  There is rarely any introspection to see what the underlying missing facet is. What is it exactly that is leaving us feeling deficient?

I propose that anyone who is feeling incomplete take some time for introspection to reflect and appreciate on what is already good, rather than searching for that magic fix.  There never is a magic fix, unless we change our perspective with a new glasses prescription.

Everything I should know I learn from my Kindergartners

Today this morning was crazy.  I found out yesterday that I have a new student coming from an English-speaking classroom.  The poor peanut is going to be confused until we get everything straightened out with her.  You might wonder, "Well, don't you just put her in the English speaking classroom at your school then?"  She has had a good solid 6 years of learning since womb-exit in Spanish, and only 7 months of English learning. Luckily, she is sweet as can be and we are happy to have her.


During centers I have been running the reading center at the rainbow table. My co-teacher has been running the writing center and the other student rotate between free-choice, free-choice reading, and a math activity.  Today one of our students got a nose bleed and my co-teacher threw on the rubber gloves to take care of her.  The 5 students at her center were still "working." One student is very impulsive and likes to get things done very quickly. When he saw that Miss O was busy he just started writing random letter.  The boy next to him in group, who is a solid student and nice to everyone saw what he was doing and asked him to read his sentence aloud to him.  Miss O later recounted to me to what she had heard while squeezing the girl's nose... A boy who I will call Manuel (not his real name) had the boy randomly writing letter read what he wrote. This was his response translated from Spanish
          "Read it to me. No, it doesn't say "gym." For "gym" you need the "g" like guitar."
This is what teachers live for. Kids who learn better when the teacher doesn't have to be pulling them along, and BETTER a student who has learned it well enough and is confident enough to teach it to a peer.


Manuel taught me something today.  Sometimes the best time to help someone is when you see that they need it, but they don't ask for it.  They may resent you for it momentarily, but will thank you for it in the end through returned kinship.  His peer, "Israel" was writing random letters all over the place, and Manuel helped him by redirecting him into doing something more productive, but also showing him the purpose.   One of the major premises in teaching elementary school is, "All children have gifts. It is our job to tap them and use them to facilitate their learning."  Manuel has some definite academic skills... His friend has other qualities, like persuasion and humor, that he doesn't have. Both Manuel and Israel are valued in my class as equals.


I have recently been on the other end of that equation. In the last year or so I have received help from people who care about me and I care about them.  I don't usually solicit it because I believe that I should be independent and earn what I have.  I sometimes lack the time, skill or patience to get done what I need to get done, because just like my Kindergartners I am learning as I go.  More so I lack the humility to realize I do have many things to learn sometimes.  


As a teacher, I am used to being the one with the answers and the "fixits." But now I have met someone who knows more than me about many things. He sees when I struggle and he helps, even when I don't ask. And I made the mistake of being resentful, not because I can't do what he does, but I simply haven't yet. In watching Manuel and Israel I have been reminded of why, as human beings, we like to help.  We help for personal satisfaction in knowing that we know how, we help because we care about each other, and we want others to do well.  


I hope, that just like Manuel, he can be content with showing me on occasion and not always doing for me, so that someday I will learn and do for myself the things he already does so well. I have misconstrued his help for his desire to want to be "better" than me or unequal, rather than what is his genuine attempt to try to make life easier.  I have been praying for a easier row to hoe, and instead of God giving me a new row, I now have cute chicken farmer with a hoe in my row too. His row is already hoed (especially since all his chickens are dead), and he won't leave me out there with the soil untilled. I wanted to say I hoed that row by myself, but I would probably never get there if it weren't for him.  I am profoundly grateful and sorry. 

sorry.

I hope someday I will catch up on this steep learning curve and be the helper and the teacher sometimes too. It's amazing how much Kindergartners love to be the helper or the teacher. I am learning that it isn't so much what we do right now, but that we value each other as equals (almost like the U.S. currency). I hope someday I get to have the satisfaction knowing that I can help him too and show him that I care and want him to do well. And maybe teach him how to cook without recipes.

Fixability

Lately I have been struggling... things are falling apart. I found out today that the 15 credits I managed to fit in between working full-time, having a baby, a marriage, and a divorce in the last five years now only count for a "good for you."  Like many beginning teachers, I am struggling financially. I never wanted to admit it thinking I could fix it. I've cut things out, neglected to buy new clothes, and shamefully relied on my family. So much for a professional. I don't know what to fix anymore. I don't know what do duct tape. I am starting to abandon hope that I will ever get out of this mess since Walker's bill has frozen my pay, and the new deductions out of my check for insurance and pension will put me at less than what I made my first year teaching. Despair. There is no other word for it.

I got my tax return. It was a bright spot. I had planned to get a new computer since mine is 7 years old and sloow. And then between gas prices, Andy breaking the bows off my glasses, and having to break a window to get into my own house after locking myself out while fixing the sump pump hose.. it's pretty much gone. Everything is breaking before I can even fix one thing. I can't find a way out of my morass of monetary issues anymore.I feel... stupid and betrayed.

Vulnerability

In the theme of 'ability words, I first have to say that I was feeling some irritability after I finished this blog over several hours, having to come back to it and then losing it when I hit publish at the end after not saving it. Anyways....Merriam-Webster dictionary defines vulnerable as "1. capable of being physically, 2. emotionally wounded or open to attack or damage." Vulnerability has been pervading through my psyche as of late. Over a year ago, I went through a marital-exodus. It was an exodus insignificantly along the lines of Moses (but much less Charleton Heston-y) in that I felt oppressed and I was letting this "marriage" go. There was nothing dignified left to save, just as the slaves in Egypt left little behind to travel into the desert with Moses, although they sure complained a lot. Freedom sometimes has a price in creature-comforts. Anyways, I'm sure they complained as they felt vulnerable. I too have felt vulnerable at times, but have found comfort in unity.

I have lost my sense of vulnerability when experiencing a new religion first-hand by sharing that experience with others.

I pushed aside vulnerability in exchange for trust in a relationship where I am bonded not only through similar interests and passions, but also from the same viewpoint of what it is like to be on the other side of infidelity. Entering through that door of vulnerability first has put me in a new place of trust, love, and companionship that I thought I would never know. I have met his family and known exactly how he feels when he sits with mine.

When the "news" sources called teachers "lazy, greedy, and slobs" I felt vulnerable and sought out company, and found strength. Strength not only in my fellow teachers, but multiplied exponentially by the smiles and words of municipal workers, firefighters, law enforcement, roadcrew, and private sector unions like plumbers, electricians, nurses, boilermakers, journeymen, etc.

So when you feel vulnerable at the party, find the other person standing alone in the corner with their drink, or have one and sing a karaoke solo on your own. Remember that on the first day of school, everyone is nervous (including the teacher), so smile knowing you aren't alone. When you are uncomfortable, unless you are a defendant on trial, chances are someone else in that room is just as vulnerable as you. There is comfort in unity and strength in numbers. Know that when any one person is vulnerable to attack, there are people in your corner to ice your cuts or at worst, catch you if you get knocked down.

And I write this today for the first time alone in my house, but not feeling alone at all.

Flexibility

Most of you know I am a word nerd. In bridging with last post Availability I would like to continue with other 'bility words. I'm open for suggestions too.

In Scott Walker's recent promotions (or defensive speeches) on behalf of his budget bill he continually speaks of giving municipalities "tools" and "flexibility" to balance their own budgets. In reality he would like to shove the problem of the debt of the state down to the municipalities and in order for his (hopefully short) history as governor he would like to be remembered as the man who decreed that no taxes should be raised anywhere in our great state under his reign, not even if the local governments would wish to do so.

The only way that teachers could receive any increase in their pay is through a referendum, and even if said referendum should pass, the teacher's raise would be limited to no more than an increase equal to that of the consumer price index (inflation). As I have said before, if this bill were to pass, that means that every teacher you know stands no hope of ever improving their standard of living. As far as district compensation goes, anything that stands would be up in the air.

Our districts and municipalities will have their hands tied, the left hand of collective bargaining tied to the right hand of no tax levies, behind their backs with duct tape, while strapped to the chair of relentless public criticism. There are four legs on that chair: cutting of services, economic deterioration in loss of capital spent in our communities, those who will STILL complain about the fact they pay taxesi, and overall degradation of quality of life.  Where is the flexibility there?

For me the Wisconsin Idea rests on our progressive ideals, education, research, community values, collaboration and ingenuity. These qualities see us through our hardships and are where the true "tools" and "flexibility" lie. Flexibility lies within the people, who will tell you what you think especially if you ask them. We work hard until we are back to where we want to be, and then we celebrate with good food and beer everyone can afford.  Wisconsin is the birthplace of bargaining rights, Fighting Bob, and the farmers who poured milk on the railroad tracks and also drove their tractors around the Bellin building in Green Bay back in the 50s or 60s, stalling traffic, in order to protest for fair milk prices. 

This bill will not allow flexibility for local governments. It is a big government move by an unchecked executive that will bludgeon the middle class and our communities and leave us with wounds that may take decades to heal. Despite the hardships I know this bill would leave us in as a collective people, I have faith that our tool of democracy will give us the flexibility to win our state back from the grips of corporate lobbyists.  I am praying that the overall people will look to their neighbor to see what ravages this bill might bring before they look to corporate sources like Fox News.

I want to know where are my tough Wisconsinites who stand strong through bitter cold Packer games, who know think for themselves with their publicly educated minds, and who know a fear-mongering Joe McCarthy when they see one (Where are those commies, anyway?). Walker is trying to futher tie us down with his threats and fear-mongering of economic calamity if we don't pass his bill. But he is the one who gave the corporations their tax breaks and put us between a rock and a hard place.  That rock climber that ended up between the rock and the hard place ended up cutting his arm off. I'm hoping we have better options. Governor Walker, where are the taxes of mass destruction?

More information and opinions on taxation:
http://blogs.forbes.com/leesheppard/2011/02/15/wisconsins-cheesy-tax-cuts/
http://www.revenue.wi.gov/html/business.html

Availability

Sometimes you just have to be THERE. Whether you want to or not. And sometimes when you can't be there, it doesn't matter if you wanted to begin with, but you want to be there all the more.

This can be said for our democracy. How many times have people "forgotten" to vote? A real democracy requires participation. Are you sure you aren't available?

Sometimes we are at our jobs but mentally unavailable. There is simply too much going on in our lives taking up all the RAM in our smushy, gray servers.  In my kindergarten classroom there is so much stimulus going on sometimes that it is hard to have a coherent thought. (English, Spanish, Spanish, English, phone ringing, being poked in the butt, baño, baño, lunch time, clean up, hurry up, HURRY UP!)

I want to salute the Democrats in the state assembly. When King Scott tried to keep everyone out, they moved their desks out to the Capitol lawn in winter, so they could still meet with constituents, at a time when their constituents need to be heard more than ever.  They are making themselves available in very adverse conditions. They are listening through all the noise.